Fat Cat Chef

The Fat Cats in Corporate America like to banter about nefarious terms like "accountability" and "responsibility" (yeah, right).

Well, we say screw corporate governance and return on investment, the true test of company success is the food the Fat Cats eat on their way to the corner office.

Thanks to the Wall Street Journal's "The CEO Diet" article (in the Weekend Journal), now we aspiring Fat Kittens can call some of these CEO's to the sideboard and hold THEM accountable for their performance at the old company microwave.

(Note: Because Corporate America loves to dish out forced curves on job performance reviews, you Fat Cat CEO's are going to get graded on a curve too: 1 whisker is great; 3 whiskers and you're on probation.

So regardless whether you're doing a good job or not, some of you will fail. Hey, that's the way the performance curve crumbles. Maybe the failure will make you more hungry to succeed... well, that kind of defeats the purpose of your diet...)

B. Smith, President, B. Smith Enterprises
Weakness: Chicken wings
Grade: 2 whiskers.

Hey B., if you like chicken, go with homemade soup. Buy an organic or all-natural chicken, Empire and Bell and Evans churn out some flavorful, moist yardbirds. Add a nice mix of organic veggies, a homemade broth and splash in some wine.

Sanford Weill, CEO, Citigroup
Weakness: Wine
Grade: 1 whisker

You like wine? Don't see any problems there, my friend. And you get bonus points for exercising.

Paul Charron, CEO, Liz Claiborne
Weakness: His wife's apple pie
Grade: 1 whisker

Sounds like you've got a loved one that bakes Paul. You're a lucky man. Throw some homemade vanilla ice cream on that pie while you're at it, and eat up.

Mark Cuban, Owner, Dallas Mavericks
Weakness: Eats big portions
Grade: 3 whiskers

Mark, stick with high quality ingredients in your meals. Go for the maximum flavor per bite, you'll enjoy your meal more and eat less.

You're a cool guy, but you almost got the dreaded 4 whisker designation not only because you overeat, but because you overeat at McDonald's.

Pamela Liebman, CEO, Corcoran Group
Weakness: Duncan Hines fudge brownies
Grade: 3 whiskers

Tisk tisk Pam. Duncan Hines? Please, it's really really easy to make homemade brownies: butter, unsweetened chocolate, cake flour, baking powder, salt, sugar, eggs and vanilla extract. Mix together. Pour in baking dish.

Now a power broker like you can't be intimidated by this short list of ingredients: it'll take the same amount of time as tearing open that box and adding... well, whatever it is you add to Duncan Hines Brownies (I wouldn't know, nor do I ever intend to find out).

Sweetie, stop by the Fat Cat Kitchen and we'll whip up a delicious batch of homemade brownies; you'll never go back to that imitation dark side again.

(Oh, and undercook your brownies by about 2 minutes, that'll give them a chewy, fudgy consistency).

Leon Cooperman, CEO, Omega Advisors
Weakness: Noshing
Grade: 2 whiskers

Lee, you workout and don't have any bad habits (everyone gabs on their cellphones in public), so you almost got the coveted 1 whisker rating.

But alas, you commit two unforgiveable sins:

1. you nuke veggie burgers in the office microwave. Look, you've got pull around Omega advisors. Ditch the microwave and install a damn toaster oven. Your burgers will taste 150% better (and they won't be rubbery).

2. "I enjoy food, that's my curse." Hey Lee, that's just plain blasphemy. How dare you feel guilty about liking food. That's what we live for here at the Fat Cat Central Command, so eat up and enjoy yourself.

Paul McManus, CEO, Leading Hotels of the World
Weakness: Bread
Grade: 2 whiskers

Ok, the hypnosis thing is pretty creepy, but we'll look the other way. And don't fight that bread urge, regardless of what those Atkins nuts say.

Just find a quality bakery and buy really good Italian rustic bread. It's chewy and takes more effort to eat, so you'll feel more full after a small slice.

Donna Karan, Chief Executive Designer, Donna Karan Int'l
Weakness: Pasta
Grade: 3 whiskers

Donna Donna Donna. You get bonus points for the yoga regimen, but the raw foods thing just doesn't cut it in the Fat Cat Kitchen. And pasta is one of life's simple and most versitile pleasures. Boil some linguine and toss with olive oil and garlic (secret: bring the garlic to a light sizzle over low heat, 2 or 3 minutes max). Filling and really easy to make.

Gary Chapman, CEO, LIN TV
Weakness: Tub of popcorn with movies
Grade: 1 whisker

Hey, it's impossible to watch a movie without popcorn. In fact with the drivel hollywood is pumping out nowadays, it's impossible to watch a movie.

But it's pretty easy to eat popcorn guilt-free: just use a hot air popper (but go easy on the butter).

Now, microwave popcorn. Yeck. Actually, a microwave? Double yeck (get a toaster oven, see Leon Cooperman's reprimand above).

Jonathan Tisch, CEO, Loews Hotels
Weakness: French fries
Grade: 2 whiskers

Yeah, french fries are a killer, tough to cast any stones there. But if possible, deep fry your own. Are they healthier? Nope, but they taste a lot better, and you'll spend more time in your kitchen (always a good way to pass time).

The Golden Whisker Award
Our favorite quote, from Bobby Zarem, Prez of Zarem Inc:

"Mr. Zarem likes nothing more than picking up a dozen Krystal burgers on the way home at night and watching old movies while eating them up. 'Most of these people have nothing else to talk about, they should eat more.'".

Mr. Zarem, you get double bonus points for both the passive aggressive swipe at these socially challenged Fat Cats, as well as encouraging people to eat more.

Stop by the Fat Cat Kitchen anytime Mr. Zarem, we'll throw together some tasty homemade buffalo burgers (and make fun of Corporate America... nah, that's too easy).